“Just one more day, if it didn’t work out, suicide is the only option left” – Christina said in pain.
“You don’t deserve to be alive”, “You are worthless” , “You can never do anything in life”, “You are so ugly”, “You are a burden on your family“. This was constantly running in her mind, uncountable thoughts, filled with negativity. The more she tried to be positive, the more miserable she felt. Yes it was hard for her to be positive, and that’s when she approached me.
I am a psychiatrist, I work at the “General hospital“. It was 6 months ago, when i first met Christina, by looking at her you would have never said,”She is suffering from depression“. It was 6 pm and i was ready to leave, but the phone call changed everything.
“Hello, Who is this ?”
“Am I talking To Dr.Eric Martin ?”
“Yes, How may i help you?”
“Hello… I am Christina, Dr.Ruth suggested me to meet you, Today itself”
(Dr.Ruth is my best-friend, we completed our studies together, he got his duty in the “National Hospital”, And i was sent here in “General Hospital”.)
“Okay, If it’s Dr.Ruth who said about me, you are welcome”
(Within 10 minutes she was in my office, it seemed like she was already standing in-front of the hospital, when she called, and it took a lot of courage for her to call me)
(There was a smile on her face, the confident with which she said “Good Evening” was extra-ordinary, and the eye-contact she had was very strong. But why is this young girl, nearly 22 year of age, here in my office ? at this time ? What was so important that bought her here.)
“Good-Evening, Have a Seat…”
Christina was working as an intern, in a multi-national company, she was assigned the job of “Assistant Manager of Marketing Dept“. It was 9 – 5 job, where she got break only for half hour. The first day was very uncomfortable, as she knew no-one, and felt alone. But when she was introduced with the members, she found herself comfortable and was looking forward to communicate to the people around.
The first week went well, she was punctual, hard-Working, and communicated with most of the people around. And that’s how she met Dr.Ruth in the lunch period. Dr.Ruth was there to meet his friends, before his friend arrived, Christina started a conversation with him, and came to know he was a “Psychiatrist“.
“I was searching for one“, She said in her mind.
And whenever she got a chance to meet Dr.Ruth she would ask questions related to “Depression, Suicide, the soul, the life after death, and especially “Who am i“. This Question are considered to be deep, and Dr. Ruth just said one thing,”Everyone has Different meaning for life, so don’t compare“.
Within the third week of her work, she lost interest in her job, she was no more on time. The girl she became, was Different from the girl she was at the beginning of the job. Slowly, her job became a burden on herself, she couldn’t complete her task,”Effectively”. And the people around her started complaining, that she was being too lazy. She did everything from her side, to keep things going well, but couldn’t.
She took a leave for 3 days, she said, she was stressed up. The Manager allowed her, even he saw her discomfort at work. So a leave was needed.
The first day, went boring, Staring at the wall, looking outside the window, sleeping,playing with her dog and at night – she went to the park, sat there looking at the vast sky, the empty road.
“Why ? What did i did to you ? Why are you doing this to me ? Why can’t you see me happy ? Why don’t you make things go well ? What’s my Crime ??
I feel too deeply, I am an empath, why did you made me so sensitive ? I have numbed myself to run away from those pain, The world crush me down, again and again. Trust is no more to be found, The struggles, you think it’s fun ? The needle- type pain in the heart, Why ? Does my life even matter to you ? ” – She shouted, looking at the vast sky.
She knew there would be no reply, but there was hope somewhere to get an answer. But it was the “SILENCE” that haunted the soul. She returned home, and went to sleep, but as usual the scary dream won’t allow her to, she spent her whole night, shifting side by side.
And there comes the morning, she tried to plan her day, but could not follow the scheduled. So the next day was also a burden to her. She texted Dr.Ruth, that she was not feeling well and wanted to meet him. In the message, she texted her address too, she waited for the reply, but there was no reply from him. At night again she went to the park, sat at the empty bench and yelled,”You see, Now even people don’t value me, everyone is busy. No-one care for anyone. I can’t live this life like hell. “I GIVE UP” you heard what i said,”I GIVE UP”.
She planned at that moment itself, Tomorrow i am going to give up. That’s what i can do now, i can’t suffer any more. No more Anti-depressant. They made me even more numb, i can’t feel anything, nothing. There is nothingness when i close my eyes. And this is killing me, Tomorrow is the last day.
The next day, she decided to commit suicide, but the way was Different, she won’t- Cut herself, neither hang herself, but she will Burn herself to death. She will burn the full house.
It was 8 pm, when she poured out the kerosene all over the house, and on herself. Then holded a lighter in her hand, but unfortunately, there was no flame. (An empty lighter). She ran to the kitchen to find the matchbox.
(Ting Tong…. Ting Tong …. Someone at the door)
(Knock — Knock….. Ting.. tong.. )
I won’t open the door, no one can save me know. As she ran towards the kitchen, she saw a “PICTURE” on the way that said,”Every knock on the door, is an opportunity, a life changing opportunity“.
She ignored, but again, when she entered the kitchen, there was another picture which said,”Kill yourself, but think about the one standing at the door”..
That quote stopped her, and she opened the door, It was Dr.Ruth. He had flowers in his hand, and a wide smile on his face.
“May i come in ?”
“Yes” – She cried, and hugged him.
(At that very moment she needed a shoulder to cry, and it was Dr.Ruth)
“What’s happening here ? why do i smell kerosene all over, is everything ok ?”
Christina explained about what she was going to do. And how at the last moment the bell rang, and the pictures changed her mindset. Dr.Ruth listened to her whole story patiently and when she calmed down he said,”Christina i have a friend who will help you out, Trust me”.
That was the first time she trusted someone after a long period of time.
“Just one more day, if it didn’t work out, Suicide is the only option left” – Christina said in pain.
“No, that’s not how life is, there is no happiness without sadness, there is no light without darkness” – Dr.Ruth replied.
They had dinner together, and Dr.Ruth gave her the address of Dr.Eric. And suggested her to met him as soon as she was done with her job tomorrow.
Three days were over, and the next day she went on her job, it was 5:30 when she was done. She arrived at the hospital by 5:55 pm .. She was trying to gather courage to call Dr.Eric and tell him, She want to meet him NOW.
“Feel Comfortable” – Dr.Eric said.
“Thank you Doctor, I am Christina, firstly i would like to apologize for coming at this hour but i had no other option ”
“That’s Ok, tell me how can i help you”
” Some fears are rooted deep within us, Anti-depressant does help, but it make us lose our own identity”
To be Continued………
—— Abdul Gani Punjabi