The feeling of isolation had finally left me, and I feel free to work upon my inner-self. Silence and long walk has always curved a way out.
Lately, I have been thinking about my relationships with other. I have a hard time to retain it back. Maybe because in the past I had CONCLUDED that – you need a strong WHY to communicate. And my past experiences were not very good, it was full of me taking efforts to maintain that relationship – which at the end lead to exhaustion of my energies. But I have no regrets. I am not blaming any single person who didn’t kept along with me – but what I understood is, it was my choice to make them friends and to stay with them. It was my unconscious decision to stick with them, and utilize my energy to gain their attention.
And the best thing I have learned is – I was never given a lesson on relationship, no one ever taught me – what was expected, and what it is to be friends, and what subconscious responsibilities comes along. I was not trained with the clear guidelines. That’s the reason I created misery for myself.
In my previous post I mentioned. I had taken all the efforts on the wrong people, but what I realize today is – they were the right people, at that point of time. So there is no way to blame myself or others for being who they were. Today that is the reason which made me understand – I need to know myself, my thoughts pattern.
I became a close person, and considered myself as not good enough when it comes to relationship. The mistake I did was – Believed in the lie I told myself. I am not good in relationship. Who said that? Those people who had different thinking and ideology than mine, who were this people? Whose voice was this – That said – You are not good in relationship, and you never will be. This is the lie I told myself, and I believed this firmly.
But today I am starting again, because the process of becoming is much more exciting than my past conceived thoughts. It was me – who ran away from taking efforts in friendship, because I wanted to be the one for whom others would take efforts, and it did happen. But when that efforts from the other person was lost – I felt lost, confused, and directionless.
It took me years to understand this very thought that created a barrier in my life. Not everyone is a liar, treacherous, fraud and mean. There are people who are willing and taking efforts to be your friends, but you are ignoring them unconsciously.
I am starting again to believe in relationships, efforts, responsibilities, healthy expectations, and the formation of amazing friendly bonds.
The struggle was within, there was lot of blame game and lack of reasoning and understanding.
I know within the past 3-4 years of isolation, I had distant myself from everyone, and rarely shared any of my personal life, feelings, or thoughts – not even with my family. But today it’s a new start in this area of my life.
Indeed healthy relationship nurture the soul, so be healthy and find a healthy soul..
— Abdul Gani Punjabi
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I would love to hear from you – Your struggle in friendship, and how it has developed or deteriorated in the following years of your life?