“Just one more day, if it didn’t work out, suicide is the only option left” – Christina said in pain.
“You don’t deserve to be alive”, “You are worthless” , “You can never do anything in life”, “You are so ugly”, “You are a burden on your family“.
This was constantly running in her mind, uncountable thoughts, filled with negativity. The more she tried to be positive, the more miserable she felt. Yes it was hard for her to be positive, and that’s when she approached me.
I am a psychiatrist, I work at the “General hospital“. It was 6 months ago, when i first met Christina, by looking at her you would have never said,”She is suffering from depression“.
It was 6 pm and i was ready to leave, but the phone call changed everything.
“Hello, Who is this ?”
“Am I talking To Dr.Eric Martin ?”
“Yes, How may i help you?”
“Hello… I am Christina, Dr.Ruth suggested me to meet you, Today itself”
(Dr.Ruth is my best-friend, we completed our studies together, he got his duty in the “National Hospital”, And i was sent here in “General Hospital”.)
“Okay, If it’s Dr.Ruth who said about me, you are welcome”
(Within 10 minutes she was in my office, it seemed like she was already standing in-front of the hospital, when she called, and it took a lot of courage for her to call me)
(There was a smile on her face, the confident with which she said “Good Evening” was extra-ordinary, and the eye-contact she had was very strong. But why is this young girl, nearly 22 year of age, here in my office ? at this time ? What was so important that bought her here.)
“Good-Evening, Have a Seat…”
Christina was working as an intern, in a multi-national company, she was assigned the job of “Assistant Manager of Marketing Dept“. It was 9 – 5 job, where she got break only for half hour. The first day was very uncomfortable, as she knew no-one, and felt alone. But when she was introduced with the members, she found herself comfortable and was looking forward to communicate to the people around.
The first week went well, she was punctual, hard-Working, and communicated with most of the people around. And that’s how she met Dr.Ruth in the lunch period.
Dr.Ruth was there to meet his friends, before his friend arrived, Christina started a conversation with him, and came to know he was a “Psychiatrist“.
“I was searching for one“, She said in her mind.
And whenever she got a chance to meet Dr.Ruth she would ask questions related to “Depression, Suicide, the soul, the life after death, and especially “Who am i“.
This Question are considered to be deep, and Dr. Ruth just said one thing,
“Everyone has Different meaning for life, so don’t compare”.
Within the third week of her work, she lost interest in her job, she was no more on time. The girl she became, was Different from the girl she was at the beginning of the job. Slowly, her job became a burden on herself, she couldn’t complete her task,”Effectively”. And the people around her started complaining, that she was being too lazy. She did everything from her side, to keep things going well, but couldn’t.
She took a leave for 3 days, she said, she was stressed up. The Manager allowed her, even he saw her discomfort at work. So a leave was needed.
The first day, went boring, Staring at the wall, looking outside the window, sleeping,playing with her dog and at night – she went to the park, sat there looking at the vast sky, the empty road.
“Why ? What did i did to you ? Why are you doing this to me ? Why can’t you see me happy ? Why don’t you make things go well ? What’s my Crime ??
I feel too deeply, I am an empath, why did you made me so sensitive ? I have numbed myself to run away from those pain, The world crush me down, again and again. Trust is no more to be found, The struggles, you think it’s fun ? The needle- type pain in the heart, Why ? Does my life even matter to you ? ” – She shouted, looking at the vast sky.
She knew there would be no reply, but there was hope somewhere to get an answer. But it was the “SILENCE” that haunted the soul. She returned home, and went to sleep, but as usual the scary dream won’t allow her to, she spent her whole night, shifting side by side.
And there comes the morning, she tried to plan her day, but could not follow the scheduled. So the next day was also a burden to her. She texted Dr.Ruth, that she was not feeling well and wanted to meet him. In the message, she texted her address too, she waited for the reply, but there was no reply from him.
At night again she went to the park, sat at the empty bench and yelled,”You see, Now even people don’t value me, everyone is busy. No-one care for anyone. I can’t live this life like hell. “I GIVE UP” you heard what i said,”I GIVE UP”.
She planned at that moment itself, Tomorrow i am going to give up. That’s what i can do now, i can’t suffer any more. No more Anti-depressant. They made me even more numb, i can’t feel anything, nothing. There is nothingness when i close my eyes. And this is killing me, Tomorrow is the last day.
The next day, she decided to commit suicide, but the way was Different, she won’t- Cut herself, neither hang herself, but she will Burn herself to death. She will burn the full house.
It was 8 pm, when she poured out the kerosene all over the house, and on herself. Then holded a lighter in her hand, but unfortunately, there was no flame. (An empty lighter). She ran to the kitchen to find the matchbox.
(Ting Tong…. Ting Tong …. Someone at the door)
(Knock — Knock….. Ting.. tong.. )
I won’t open the door, no one can save me know. As she ran towards the kitchen, she saw a “PICTURE” on the way that said,”Every knock on the door, is an opportunity, a life changing opportunity”.
She ignored, but again, when she entered the kitchen, there was another picture which said,”Kill yourself, but think about the one standing at the door”..
That quote stopped her, and she opened the door, It was Dr.Ruth. He had flowers in his hand, and a wide smile on his face.
“May I come in ?”
“Yes” – She cried, and hugged him.
(At that very moment she needed a shoulder to cry, and it was Dr.Ruth)
“What’s happening here ? why do i smell kerosene all over, is everything ok ?”
Christina explained about what she was going to do. And how at the last moment the bell rang, and the pictures changed her mindset.
Dr.Ruth listened to her whole story patiently and when she calmed down he said,”Christina i have a friend who will help you out, Trust me”.
That was the first time she trusted someone after a long period of time.
“Just one more day, if it didn’t work out, Suicide is the only option left” – Christina said in pain.
“No, that’s not how life is, there is no happiness without sadness, there is no light without darkness” – Dr.Ruth replied.
They had dinner together, and Dr.Ruth gave her the address of Dr.Eric. And suggested her to met him as soon as she was done with her job tomorrow.
Three days were over, and the next day she went on her job, it was 5:30 when she was done. She arrived at the hospital by 5:55 pm .. She was trying to gather courage to call Dr.Eric and tell him, She want to meet him NOW.
“Feel Comfortable” – Dr.Eric said.
“Thank you Doctor, I am Christina, firstly I would like to apologize for coming at this hour but i had no other option ”
“That’s ok, tell me how can i help you”
” Some fears are rooted deep within us, Anti-depressant does help, but it make us lose our own identity”
“For the past 3 years i have been surviving on “Anti-depressant“, every single day the matter worsen than before.
The Scary dreams does not let me sleep, I am mostly confused, people understand things very easily but for me, it’s hard. They call me a failure. I can’t even accomplish smaller task on time, I don’t have friends whom i can trust, there is just blankness in my life. No Direction- No guide” -Christina said, the pain she was suffering through was visible in her voice.
(Christina felt comfortable in the office, the office was not that big, it was small. There was a table, and 3 chairs surrounded. Two of the chairs was on the other side of the table, where Christina sat, and One on which Dr.Eric sat )
“Relax, have some water” – He handed over the glass to her.
“Tell me when did it all started ? ”
“I don’t know, it’s been a long time”
“How many years ? ”
“Ok, Have a seat on that chair” – Dr.Eric pointed at the chair, which was kept on the right side of the room.
“OK, What are you going to do ?
I need to know, When did it all started, so you need to relax and answer my questions, so that i can help you further ”
(Dr.Eric believed that though he was a psychiatrist, and should have given her more “Anti-depressant”, he preferred to get “Deep into people’s life” and give them solutions which they themselves can understand – His main Aim was to make people “Understand about themselves“)
“Relax ! Are you comfortable ? ”
“Close Your eyes ”
“Tell me about your Family”
(Christina felt uncomfortable, and her body started to shiver – And she was trying hard not to cry)
“My Father was an Alcoholic, and mother was a Drug addict, and my elder brother, Does not care about anything, mostly busy with his friends ”
“Tell me about Parents”
“My father used to come late at night, and would start yelling at my mother, for no reason. I never saw him coming home without drinking, it was a daily routine, and my mom was so mentally torched that she got addicted to drug. I was only 6 years old, they used to lock me up in an empty room, If i told them i needed something. Most of the time my father used to beat me with belt. I was living in hell, There was no one to help me. My parents never bothered to take us (me and my brother) on a trip, or to a near by restaurant. ”
“They used to lock you up in an empty room ?”
(Christina face showed sign of fear)
“Yes, an empty room, nothing to eat, i would keep crying but no one would listen, and at night they would come and give me something to eat.”
“Do you know why did your mother started taking drugs ? “
“Yes, she was tired of the same action of my Father daily. She gave up on life.. She could not bear his partner getting drunk daily, and treating her like a dustbin”
“What do you know about your father ?”
“He was not my biological father, I don’t know,”Who is my biological father“.
My mother was in love with him, and they just shifted together.
“What about your brother ?”
“Better call him a “Devil“, he cares for no-one, He was same like my so-called father, he used to beat me up, if i questioned him anything. For him, his friends was the only thing that existed in the world”.
(As Christina said about her family, her face seems relax, the more details she was, the more relax she was)
“What about your dreams ? What do you see ?”
” I see people laughing at me, beating me, making fun, they don’t respect me, They see me as an object, and not as a human”
“Tell me something about your School life”
“When so much drama was going on in my home, my mind would be exhausted, and i was not able to focus, nor could I concentrate on my studies ”
“So you have problem with concentration, and focusing too”
“Yes, it was difficult for me, to pass my high-school, and get graduated. When I was 10, i started working at my neighbour house, I used to wash the dishes, clean the floor, and even do the laundry. I was too young to do that, but there was no other options. My neighbour paid my School fees for what I did for them.
And there was one day, when i was in 5th, there was an assignment to be submitted, When i submitted, the Teacher called my name and said,”Look at her assignment, she don’t even know how to start, she tore it off into pieces, and threw it in the dustbin. I felt like the moment stopped, I was broken into pieces, my mind went blank and for a second i didn’t even know what happened, I started to cry. Everyone around was laughing at me, and after that day i was a “Fun object” to them. They used to tease me, insult me, and tell me to do odd things for them, Such as lick the floor
[Christina was crying, When she said this].
And if i resisted, they would beat me up. There was no-one to help me.
(Dr.Eric took her hand, and said, Christina i know this memories are haunting you, but soon things will change)
“What about your brother, where is he now? “
“When I was 12, my father passed away, and my mother was in a shock, she would shout at night as if she saw my father standing in-front of her and beating her. After 2 years, she was diagnosed with cancer, and she passed away after one month of the diagnosis.
It was me and my “Devil” brother now, he would spend most of his time in bar with his girlfriend and friends, gambling. One night, when he came home, he was drunk, and his friends entered in the house “Forcefully“.
They demanded something to eat and drink, but i refused to give. They were so drunk, and lost,
[Christina felt very uncomfortable, the tears were uncontrollable, and she was trying to say something but it seemed like, someone had shut-her mouth, her body was sweating, and she was in pain] ..
(By seeing her uncomfortable, Dr.Eric Understood what happened next)
“Christina ? Are you ok ? Christina ? You don’t need to say what happened next ”
“I tried to save my self, but they were all over me, there was no escape.
When my brother became conscious, he was shocked seeing his friend getting indulged in such an act. He tried to save me, but one of his friend hit him from behind, and he died on the moment. When they saw him, he was not moving anymore, and blood was flowing from his head, they ran away from our house.
That was the day when I lost everything, my father, mother and brother. I was all alone, I lost everything. My respect, dignity, honour, confident, self-stem.. Everything.. I turned into nothing. I kept sitting there, looking at my brother dead body.
I tried to approached the police, but they did not help me. That’s when I planned to leave that city and move here, I searched for a job. I had a degree in “Management studies“, so I applied in this company where i am working today”
“Have you ever being in relationship? That’s a really important question.
“Yes, when I joined this job, I met a hand-some boy, very caring. We dated 2-3 times, we were getting very close, and slept together few times. But when I asked him, Are you serious about me ? he did not reply, and from that day onwards, I don’t trust “Anyone“.
I thought he was in love with me, but he lied, he was like the other boys, Who used to play with an innocent girl’s heart. That was the reason i took 3 days leave, and decided to end up my life”
“How are you feeling now ? after telling the things which you had buried deep inside ? Do you still feel that heaviness on your shoulders ? Pain in the neck and the backbone ? Does your chest still feel tighter ? or now it’s easy to breath ?”
“I feel little better, better than before when I entered the office ”
“Your wounds are deep, you have buried them inside for a long time, that’s why it exploded and you decided to suicide, Since how long you are taking “Anti-depressant” you said ?”
“How did you feel after taking it?”
“It made me feel better for a day, and the very next day, I suffered the same pain, numbness, and blackness”
“Are you willing to change Christina ?
Are you ready to do the things i say ? Do you believe you can change ? Do you think you can have a better life ahead ? Do you think everything that happened with you have a meaning ? Then i am ready to help “
“Yes, i am willing to change, I am ready to do whatever you say, I believe that i can change, I have hope that I was born to do something great, but i never found out what it is, I believe that everything have a meaning, I used to ask Dr.Ruth about it.”
“If you are ready, then this is what you have to do”
“Life is not a curse it’s a blessing, every single incident have a meaning, everything is dependant, the cure is within us, the healing is within, stop seeking from outside world”
“Be honest with the questions I ask, and be honest with yourself ”
“Do you “HATE” your mother and father ?”
“I have already told you the whole story, anyone would hate them”
“Do “YOU” hate them ?”
“Even after they Died ? Think about it”
[Christina was silent]
“What would you have done if you were in place of your mother ?”
” I would have taken care of my daughter and my son, wouldn’t harm them in any ways. I would have never thrown my daughter in a dark room. I would take them to nearby places, and restaurant, and would have given them whatever they would ask me ”
“You mean, you would have given anything”
” I would have did my best ”
“Do you think your husband, who is an Alcoholic, would allow you to take those steps ? ”
[Christina was silent again]
” Ok, let say you are in place of your father. What would you have done for your children “
” I would have done like all the other father do, take care of my children, spend time with them, on vacation i would have taken them to some new places. I would read them stories at night. And probably i would never drink”
“You said, “like all the father do” ? Wasn’t your father, a father ? Tell me who would lock you in the room ? ”
“Who would give you food at night ? ”
“My father, that’s not a big deal any father would do that”
“Ok, Why would your mother close you in the dark room ?”
“Because I was small, and irritates her in her work ”
“So, you are being honest now. You used to irritate her, any child would do that to their parents. You said your mother was mentally torched by your father ?”
“Now, if a person is mentally disturbed, how would they react to others ”
[Christina was silent]
“Let’s talk about your brother, You called him “DEVIL“. Am I right ?”
“Yes, he was a “DEVIL”
“Why would a brother who is a “devil” according to you, would get up and come to rescue you ? When he saw, you were in danger. When did he die ? When he stood to help you ? or When he entered the house ? ”
[Christina was speechless and confused]
“But what about all those childhood tourcher, he did to me. He never helped me, he used to shout at me, scold me in-front of my teachers, and would abuse me”
“Ok, So that’s a problem Now”
“He was not a good person at all”
“Wait, tell me “If you were in place of your brother, How was your life”
“My life would be hectic, that everyday fights in the house would have drain all my energy. So I would prefer to spend time alone, or with someone else”
“Wasn’t your brother doing the same thing you said, right now ?”
“Was there anyone to look after your brother ? Did your father or mother, every said him, what’s right and what’s wrong”
“When my father was an Alcoholic and mother a drug addict, even if they would have said anything. He wouldn’t have listen to them. Because they themselves were being indulged in those act”.
“So Your brother was a devil ? Who spent his time with his friend at the bar, escaping from house-responsibility and did not care for you at all ?
You Said, your brother would scold in-front of the teachers ? That means he was the one who dropped and pick you up from school ?”
“Dear Christina, I know you have suffered a lot in your life, but when we keep holding to those hurtful memories we lose our own real self. The things that your brother’s friend did, Don’t hold grudge against your brother for that, he tried to rescue you”
[Christina was silent, she was confused, Was my father, mother and brother really that bad ? That “Evil” ? My mother started taking drugs because of my father, and my brother did not had anyone to guide, so he saw my father and became like him, and i was the one who suffer. I saw my mother shouting like mad, Was she really that bad ? Why did my father started to drink ? What was his reason to drink ?]
“I am drown into a web, and i don’t know. What’s the truth? ”
“To know the “Truth” you need to remove the veil from your mind ”
” By Forgiving them”
“I will never forgive them, I have faced those moments, I went through all that suffering and pain. You don’t know how it feels”
“You are right, I cannot feel. But I can Understand, and if you don’t forgive them things would never change”
“It’s not easy to forgive them”
“I know, but try it. Go step by step :-
1. Recall the moments of hurt.
2. Recall the pain at that moment.
3. Feel the pain and surrender to that pain.
4. Observe the reason for the pain.
5. Accept the pain as yours. Do not run away, but face it.
6. Forgive them in your mind, take their names and forgive those people who hurt you.”
“Can you explain it in detail”
“Yes, let’s imagine. Your mother locked you in the room, you are crying and she does not care about it”
“Recall the moment when she locked you in the room, recall those feeling of loneliness and fear. Accept that moment as it was, feel the pain again and surrender to that pain. Now observe the reason of that pain – Your mother. When you have observed the reason, face that moment and forgive your mother for doing that”
“It’s hard, the pain is increasing, it hard to forgive when you have faced such incidents ”
“Forgiveness is the step to change”
[Christina body became tighter, she was vibrating, and her muscles contracting, and her neck uncomfortable, and after few second there was relief on her face]
“Are you Ok, Christina? ”
“It seems like a heavy stone has just fallen off from my shoulders, and the pain in the neck has decreased ”
“So you see how it works ? ”
“Yes, feeling better”
“Good to hear that, Now apply that to all the hurtful events of your life, this is your homework until next time we meet”
“Oh, it’s 9 pm. I am really thankful to you, for giving your precious time ”
(Christina was feeling better than before, everyday she worked on her painful memories and forgive the people who hurt her.. Her life was transforming… Her health was getting better, and she saw hope in her life. It was a month later, she met Dr.Eric again)
“Good Morning Doctor”
“Good Morning, Christina. How are you feeling now ?”
“Much better than before ” – Her face was shining.
“Have you done the homework ?”
“Yes, I have done most of it. Getting into other person shoe and seeing life from their point of view”
“That’s Good, You got it”
(Christina was feeling lucky)
“I hope now your thoughts are becoming positive, and changing your view on life”
“I have something more important to teach”
“Something new ? “
“Back to the chair ” – he pointed to the same chair in the right side.
“What do you think about the mind? ”
” Ok, so let me tell you.. The mind lives in the present, The one who is “AWARE” can take Benefit from it “
“Let me explain through example :- Imagine you are in 5th, and the Teacher is shouting at you, everyone is laughing, you are embarrassed, and you felt your confidence broke into pieces”
” That’s what happen ”
” I know, Now imagine yourself as the ‘Teacher”
“Yes, you are the Teacher who took the assignment, and instead of shouting, you said,” This is pretty amazing, how did you do this Christina ? Everyone around started to clap, you started to feel more confident of your work. Everyone congratulated you after the Teacher left the class.
How would you feel now ?
Good, more confident. But that’s not the “TRUTH”
“Your mind does not knows what’s true or false, it just accept the inputs you give to it”
“So, You mean I change the whole scenario that happened with me, to the one I am imagining right now ? ”
“Yes, You have that power to change the whole scenario, but first you need to accept the old (real) thing that happened, and then replace it with your imagination. However you want ”
“Can you give more examples ”
“Yes, Your mother was a drug addict, you know – whatever she did to you. Now you should accept everything she did to you, you should not resist that moment. Once you accept those hurtful moments you can replace them with “How you want it to be“.
So let’s imagine :- Your mother was very much caring about you, and your father loved your mother. They cared for both of you. Your parents were the most Caring parents. Specify it through “Imagination ” like they care for you when you were sick, your mother dropped you to school and your father pick you up. Your brother always supported you etc”
“Is that possible”
” Yes it is. Because the things I am saying you is what I have did in my life. I too had a dark past. But once you know how to change your perspective.. Your entire life will change “
“I will surely do that, I forgive my mother, father and brother because today I understood no one was actually bad, it was the situation and their life experiences that they reflected upon me”
“You understood it very well, that is the change i was talking about, practice it in your life for each and every moment. Once your mind is calm (By making peace with the past) you became “Aware”, and when you are “Aware” you can change your habits, situations, conditions and perspective “
“Dr.Ruth was right, I have been to many doctors but they never gave me the “View” which you gave me today. They just kept me on “Anti-depressant” which made the matter worse”
“Now, when you have understood the steps “How to change your life“, I wish you will forward it to everyone who need help.”
“Sure” – She said, while getting up from the chair.
We met only two times, in the span of 6 months. Today she came at my office to invite me at her wedding. She was happy, energetic, and her attitude towards life was totally different than she had before we met.
Epilogue :- Christina got promoted to higher-post in the company. She was punctual, and her self-stem was unbreakable now. Her co-worker was happy and satisfied and were willing to work more because of her positive attitude towards things. She got married to John.
She says, “John is the perfect husband she dreamed of – caring,loving, supporting, and understanding”..She visit the same park with her husband at night, and look towards the sky and says :-
“I know you are the best planner, I remember the night I yelled at you, and the day the bell rang, and the day today when I am sitting next to my husband… She started helping people who were feeling helpless, and were planning to commit suicide.
She consider herself, as a blessed person. Who now was helping people to face Depression, Anxiety, panic attacks.. By making them understand their “Brain pattern”.
“The Meaning of life is different for everyone, so it’s better to live in the moment. And “Live” the meaning instead of Finding it”
All rights strictly reserved 2019
—– Abdul Gani Punjabi